reason #4,728 why I'm pushin' 30 and I'm not married yet...

I went to a wedding this past weekend where my cousin who is 3 years younger than I and his beloved tied the knot in the middle of the woods of Santa Cruz.  It was one of those ceremonies where you could actually feel the love and think to yourself "man, these people really love each other."  Because let's all be honest people, we've all been to a wedding or two where we've thought to ourselves, "these two are going to be together for the rest of their lives?!?!"  My brother is happily married and has an amazing family, my sister is engaged to the raddest guy I know, and I'm the one that gets asked on a weekly to monthly basis "So Chelsea, when is it your turn??"  So as I sat there thinking to myself "man, these people really love each other", I got to thinking about myself and how my wedding would be and who it would be with and I came up with nothing.  I can't even picture my own wedding.  I have never been able to, which might mean something, but I figured at least in the midst of all the love that was going around I could at least picture something-but all I could come up with are a few reasons just in the past year alone why I have yet to meet my Prince Charming:

1.  I was at a bar on New Year's Eve last year in Brooklyn having a blast.  I had been dumped 4 days before that so the fact that I was even out on the town was monumental.  I got ready as much as I felt like it to make myself feel pretty and ring in the New Year with a BANG.  A new year, a new me.  That's what everyone says, right?  "Chels, this guy wants to talk to you.  He thinks you're hot", my friend says.  Mind you, my eyes were swollen shut cause I'd been crying for a week straight and I had no energy to make myself look human.  "Huh?  Who?", I replied.  "That bald guy over there.", as she points to the corner of the dance floor.  "Eh, I'm cool", I told her.  I wasn't in the mood to get schmoozed by anyone.  20 minutes later..."Hey!  I'm Vinny!" (his name was for real Vinny.  And he made it known to me that he was in the NYPD.  Which instantly turned me off.  I don't do law enforcement, they're all shady mother fuckers.) "How are you doing tonight?" the guy says to me.  "Fuck.  I hate this place.", I thought to myself.  "I"m good, you?", I said to him.  And after not being able to shake him for over 20 minutes I finally told him I was going to go find my friends and I hoped he had a good New Year.  "So I was thinking", he said to me...again...10 minutes later..."I can't stop staring at you.  You just have this look about you.  Your eyes are so warm, your hair is so beautiful and your smile, man, it's making me cringe.  I understand you have to move out of your apartment, can I help you look for one?  I know some people".  "WTF??", I thought to myself again.  "Thanks so much", I replied, "but I'm good.  Everything always works out and I think I'll be good on my own.", I told him.  So he asked for my phone number and I told him no but I agreed to give him my email address...which was a fake one at that, we said our good-byes and finished our New Year's celebrations on opposite sides of the bar.  "Chelsea, you have a phone call on line 1", one of my co-workers said to me.  It's the Monday after New Year's and I have a phone call..."Thanks for holding, this is Chelsea."  "Hi, Chelsea, it's Vinny.  From New Years."  "WTF?!?!?!?!" I thought to myself.  I had mentioned in conversation to Vinny that I worked for Trader Joe's, but didn't tell him which one because I didn't want him to stalk me or anything.  "Hey, what's up", I replied.  "Yeah, look, it took me a while to figure out which store you worked at but I finally found it.  I tried emailing you but you gave me the wrong email address.  Can I verify that I have the right one?"  "What the hell is going on?", I thought again.  Who calls someone at work to tell them they gave them the wrong email address so they couldn't get in touch with them.  Guys, you thought girls were crazy??  If this guy ever thought I was going to go out with him before, but then he stalks me at my work to tell me he was in denial that I dissed him, he better think again!!  I swore at that point I was on Punk'd.  Long story short after much negotiation I told him my "right" email address so he could try to email me again, and he went on his way.  Rule #1 boys, don't stalk a girl.  You hate it when we do it to you, so please don't do it to us.  If you get a wrong number or email address, take it as a hint.

2.  My brother works for a very well known energy drink company which means there are very fun parties to attend.  Well last summer there was a party in honor of a very well known guy who recently set a record jumping a car over a barge and being the good brother that my brother is, he invited my sister-in-law and I to attend this party.  I don't think we were supposed to be allowed into the after party but she and I somehow managed to make our way in.  This party ended up only having big name athletes, media and other entourages inside a room with open bars on every wall.  Which means people are going to drink any kind of alcohol you can think of mixed with this very well known energy drink all night long...Which means people start to lose all inhibitions once that hops flavored Kool-Aid starts to settle in.  "Lori, I have to go to the bathroom, wanna come with me?" I said to my sister-in-law.  "Yeah, it's over here", she says.  As we're walking to the bathroom we happened to get stopped by a guy who smelled like he just put his bong in his pocket and then took a shower in his alcoholic beverage to try to mask the aroma.  "Hey!!" he said to us as we walked by.  "What's up!!!" I replied back.  "Damn, it smells so good over here." I said, referring to the smell of the weed that was steaming out of his pockets.  "Yeah, I got all kinds on me if you guys wanna smoke." He slurred.  "I'm good, I have to work super early in the morning so I'm laying low tonight.", I replied.  "So how do you know these people?" He asked.  Lori and I proceeded to tell him how my brother basically put it together, blah blah blah, but ended it with "Well we're on our way to the bathroom so I guess we'll check you later".  "Where are you going?", he said.  "The bathroom.  I have to pee really bad!!".  "Oh, girl, you are so beautiful I would let you pee in my hands.  Just don't leave!" he begged.  And Lori and I burst into laughter.  "Umm, well as much as I'd like to take you up on your offer, my brother might shoot me if he walked out and saw me peeing in your hands.", I said.  "No, no, he won't care.  I know it".  "Yes. He would". I replied. And we made our way to the restroom.   Rule # 2, don't offer to let a girl use the palms of your hands as a toilet device to win her over.  Not a good look.  How do I introduce him to my dad and tell him we met when he offered to let me pee in his hands in the middle of my brother's party?

3.  My cousin and some friends and I were at a club in Hollywood a couple of months ago.  The cutest club I've been to in a long long time.  Dancing, hanging out, having a good time.  Until a boy who looked like he graduated middle school just  last week came up to me.  "You know you're the most beautiful girl in this whole place, right?", he said to me.  My cousin and I without hesitation looked at each other and cracked up laughing.  If he only knew 4 hours earlier I had sand in every orifice of my body and was covered in sweat from playing volleyball with my fam-bam all day.  My hair quite possibly could have been able to stand up on it's own due to the fact that I had 20 minutes to get ready to go out and no time to do it."I don't know about that", I said.  "No, you are.", he replied and then introduced himself.  "I'm just really nervous to talk to you.  So...uh...", he said.  "You're nervous to talk to me?  That can't be true. It takes a  lot of balls to walk up to a girl and tell her what you just told me.  You can't be that nervous.", I said to him.  And he just stood there.  "Well let me help you out here.  Walk away, go hang out with your buddies (who I'm almost positive were all standing in a corner somewhere amazed at the fact their fake ID's worked to get them in), figure out what to say to me and then come back."  But he didn't.  He just stood there.  "I'm just really nervous.", he said again.  "You're really that nervous?  Ask this guy if you should be nervous to talk to me", as I grabbed my friend.  "David, should this guy be nervous to talk to me?"  And he laughed.  "You're nervous to talk to this girl?  Whatever you see here is a shell.  Talk to her about whatever you want and she'll laugh".  he said and walked away in hysterics.  Well the kid didn't get any guts and just stood there.  So after a couple of seconds of very uncomfortable silence I said to him "Well I'm gonna go over there with my friends.  It was good talking to you!", and I walked away and went back with my friends.  He came over again.  Long story short I had to call him out.  I understand for some people it's intimidating talking to people you don't know.  But Rule # 3 boys, if you're gonna get up the balls to try it, don't just stand there and stare at the girl like she's an Angelina Jolie look alike covered in 24 karat gold.  Not a good look.  And even more so, it's even less of a good look to walk up to a girl and tell her she's the most beautiful girl in the entire place.  We're good at calling your bullshit so don't make us have to do it within the first 5 seconds of meeting you.  It's no way to start a relationship.  Where's the trust?!? HAHA.

I used to be the girl that cried and sulked all the time because I wasn't married yet and didn't think I'd ever be, but as I look back and then look forward I've decided I'm OK with it.  Although society likes us all to believe you're only valid in this world if you have someone on your arm to tote around, I like to believe otherwise.  If it happens it happens and if it doesn't I'll just continue to be the one in my family that goes on adventures and leads the care-free life.  Everyone needs someone to vicariously live through so I guess that's become my calling.  And if it ever does become "my turn" I'm sure you all know I'll let you know how it goes :)  Until then....

HAPPY NEW YEAR, YA'LL.

ROCK ON.

CIAO!!